Blog

When Religion Impacts Parenting

Stacy Notaras Murphy — Fri, 10 May 2013 18:46:48 +0000

A recent Murphy's Love question started off looking like a request for parenting advice: Mom was frustrated by Dad's honesty-is-the-best-policy policy. But looking a little deeper, it becomes more of a question of how a couple will address the inevitable and complicated disagreements that are part of parenthood. Read the full article here.

'Good Enough' Motherhood

Stacy Notaras Murphy — Fri, 19 Apr 2013 16:28:42 +0000

There is so much I love about this Washington Post article, I will just beg you to read it yourself. But please ignore the ridiculous headline - Elsa Walsh is not being preachy, and the headline was likely written by an editor. Some favorite lines:

The debate has become twisted and simplistic, as if we’re merely trying to figure out how women can become more like men. Instead, let’s ask: How can women have full lives, not just one squeezed around a career?
There is no real safety net for working mothers.
When it is time for my daughter to make her way through this culture of overwork, I hope she follows some of Sandberg’s advice.
I’d also tell her, if she marries, to work hard on her relationship. It’s not only much easier than getting divorced, it’s more rewarding and more fun. Love. Full stop. That’s what matters.

The Intersection of Diet and Mental Health

Stacy Notaras Murphy — Mon, 18 Feb 2013 19:28:00 +0000

Every so often I am assigned a story idea that resonates in my counseling office. My recent piece about diet and mental health was this kind of experience, in that the research gave me some great new language for getting the conversation going with clients and colleagues. Read the full article here.

Holidays Invite Stress, Grief, Reflection

Stacy Notaras Murphy — Thu, 20 Dec 2012 15:28:21 +0000

This week, my counseling office has withstood some very intense, complicated emotions. I wasn't unprepared, however, because this is usually true of any week before a major holiday. Most of us use some of this time to reflect on where we are, what we still want to do, and how we would like to change our lives.

My constant (repetitive?) refrain has been this: please be gentle with yourselves at this time of year. Self-flagellation is only effective at inviting deeper despair. It never leads to the sort of open-hearted, thoughtful steps that lead to real, transformative change in our lives. When we're struggling with sadness, grief, or other issues, sometimes it's just about maintaining the current level of functioning so that we can get through a stressful time. I've written about holiday stress and despair before - here are some suggestions for maintaining at this time of year:

Dealing with kids and extended families at the holidays

When grief reignites at 'anniversary moments'

How to cure brokenheartedness

For the Holidays: Estrangement, Family Strife, etc.

Stacy Notaras Murphy — Tue, 18 Dec 2012 23:54:10 +0000

"Murphy's Love," my advice column in the Georgetowner, has recently become a biweekly feature in the newspaper. This means more deadlines and more fun questions to explore. But it also means that I have to be more diligent about keeping up with posting the columns here, which has been a challenge lately! For those keeping track, here are links to the most recent questions:

A reader responds to my advice about a husband putting rules on how his wife can discuss his unemployment.

A groom's friend is uninvited to participate in the wedding because he ticked off the bride.

A newly-blended family struggles to combine holiday traditions.

A well-meaning mom wonders how to explain family estrangement to her preschooler.

Is Dating in DC Dead?

Stacy Notaras Murphy — Fri, 16 Nov 2012 22:54:00 +0000

A recent Murphy's Love column addressed this question, as a woman was considering packing up and moving to the Midwest in the hopes of finding The One. Her frustrations with the DC dating scene were understandable - and something I hear a lot in my office - but shared by both men and women alike. My advice was not to pack up her things just yet, but rather to rethink her strategy and start talking about what she'd like to do, not so much about who she'd like to do it with. Read the whole column here.

What becomes of the brokenhearted?

Stacy Notaras Murphy — Thu, 01 Nov 2012 12:18:00 +0000

My most recent Counseling Today feature gave me the chance to ask other counselors what they do with brokenhearted clients. The loss of a relationship is one of the most common issues driving a person into therapy, but few of us took a "Healing Brokenhearts" course in grad school.

It was fascinating to learn how other counselors address this universal human experience. Again and again, those I interviewed would use phrases traditionally attributed to trauma (intensity, crushing emotion, devastating flashbacks, etc.) when describing heartbreak. This opens the process to an entirely different toolkit. Counselors are using EMDR, art therapies, creative writing and so many other intriguing strategies to help their clients. Read more here.

Marital Flu Shots

Stacy Notaras Murphy — Mon, 29 Oct 2012 20:48:00 +0000

In my counseling office, where I work with both individual parents and couples, the stress of this annual transition is on full display right now. Symptoms of this partnership flu may be irritability, isolation, or full blown lack of intimacy. But there is something simple you can do to vaccinate your marriage against coming down with this illness. It’s also quick, free, and even fun to do.

Inoculate your partnership with 30 seconds a day of simple, spoken gratitude. Here's the protocol:

Take 30 seconds to look into your partner’s eyes
Touch in some way
Say, "Something I love about you is…”
Make sure to say "Thank you” and “You’re welcome.”
Then switch

That’s it. That’s all it takes to remind the other person that you are still in connection, and that you value the shared life you are building – even if you don’t have time/energy for some grand dramatic gesture. This exchange builds positive energy between you both, and that positive energy has a direct impact on your ability to get through the interminable fundraiser meetings, sports practices, and other back-to-school events currently dominating your free time.

A Dad reflects on his own mental health policies

Stacy Notaras Murphy — Tue, 16 Oct 2012 15:29:26 +0000

The Washington Post exerpted an incredible article by a former legislator whose own son suffers from schizophrenia. It's well worth reading in its entirety here. A key quote:

Mental illnesses cost as much as cancers to treat each year, and the National Institute for Mental Health notes that serious mental illnesses can reduce life expectancy by more than 25 years. That reduction is almost twice the 13 years of life lost, on average, to all cancers combined. When Tim needed hospitalization, an insurer sent him to drug rehab. Imagine the outcry if the insurer had tried to send a smoker with lung cancer who needed hospitalization to drug rehab.

30 Seconds Can Save Your Marriage

Stacy Notaras Murphy — Mon, 17 Sep 2012 21:18:49 +0000

30 seconds really can save your marriage. No purchase necessary. I mean it.

I was happy to pass along some tips for strengthening your marriage - particularly at this busy, back-to-school time of year - with WashingtonPost.com's OnParenting blogger, Janice D'Arcy last week. She has made the interesting observation that because "September is the new June" in terms of weddings, many of us (me included) are doomed to a fate where our anniversary dates are obscured by back-to-school nights and various fundraiser events. Read more of our conversation here.