Entries in connection (5)


How to Stop a Lie?

A recent Georgetowner newspaper advice column took on the question of what a person should do when a lie started to get out of control. The writer takes responsibility for the mistake of lying in the first place, but wonders what to do since coming clean will likely end a deep friendship. What would you do? While the idea of having a deep heart to heart with the friend could lead to a transformed relationship with that person, we only can predict our own reaction in that situation - friend could disappoint us. That's why it is really important to be very clear with yourself about how you might react in either situation, before having the conversation. Read the whole article here.


Just Buy the Bear

In my latest Georgetowner advice column, I had the chance to consider the struggle that many of us have with the obligation of gifting a loved one on Valentine's Day (read the whole column here). While there are snarky columns and blog posts aplenty reminding us of how manufactured this holiday is and how we are giving into the corporate machine by even thinking about buying roses today, I heard something different in this question. A wife had made a very plain request to be acknowledged on Valentine's Day. And while the husband's frustration may be well-founded, when we love someone and they ask us for something, sometimes we just do it. As long as it's not dangerous, we just do it. Even if it's stupid.


(Don't) Go Negative

I have a new Partnership Pointer that includes some great advice from Imago's Harville Hendrix and Helen LaKelly Hunt. Take a look here.


New Pointer: Relationship Rituals

Rituals or routines? Can they make relationships feel more safe? Read more here.

Stepping back, getting the whole picture

I’m going to let you in on a little secret – Imago therapists don’t always practice what we preach.

Contrary to some of my couples’ expectations, I don’t do the Imago dialogue over dinner each night with my husband. In fact, we don’t always do it when we have a disagreement. Sometimes, I just – gasp – get mad and yell, and don’t listen to his side at all.

So when I read my colleague Ginny Graham’s great Relationship Tip of the Month in our March Soul Matters newsletter, it struck close to home. She wrote about how “healthy couples” strive to be suspicious of frivolous frustrations, the kind which illicit immediate, often ridiculous, overreactions. She explains that these irritations often mask a deeper stress that’s not as simply stated. It’s true that sometimes getting angry when the dishwasher wasn’t emptied can feel much easier than thoughtfully unpacking your anxiety about getting your child into a good preschool program. Ginny reminded me that although healthy relationships often require you to calmly listen to one another, they also require you to calmly listen to yourself, before dragging your partner into an argument that simply covers a worry you haven’t been able to resolve on your own.