Who Sees the Therapist?

My most recent Murphy's Love column for the Georgetowner newspaper opened the discussion on the age old question (at least it's age-old to me, a couples counselor) of "if she's the problem, why do I have to go to couples therapy?"

It's true, there is usually a "drag-er" and a "drag-ee" when a couple first comes to my office. The drag-er often researches the therapist, makes the appointment, and sometimes tries to do the talking in the session. The drag-ee may be angry, or just frustrated that s/he is being made to feel like the "identified patient." But rest assured, by the end of the first session, things become a bit more balanced. And it's not because I work to show the couple how both of them are "the problem." Quite the contrary. My work is to protect the relationship space between them, so they can start operating like a team again. We don't do that by placing blame about who got us where and when. Rather, we work to rebuild the trust between the two people.

From a new foundation of trust and support, it's easier to notice weak spots and work together to repair them. Being shamed into getting help is never going to work. As I write in this column, "no one ever got better when her spouse responded to her loneliness by saying, 'Go get yourself some help, I’m buying.'" Real help, real change, real growth only happens when both people make it safe to talk about the areas that need some extra attention. You can read my column here.